I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
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Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.