Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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