sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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