don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
