You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How does it feel to date your dad?
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