a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
