Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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