You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
this is an emotional support booty call
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
