Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
