Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
