Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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