Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Boobs are out for the taking
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
