im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
