I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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