mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
