this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
