I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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