Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
