I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
