if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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