I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
