i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
