I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
