In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish you could order shots online.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
