I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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