you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
