im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
