Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
