I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
