Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
