my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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