there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
