so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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