why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
