He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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