i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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