If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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