Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
