the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
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Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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