I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
