i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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