i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
