Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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