We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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