how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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