Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
