Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
