Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
