perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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