she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
