So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
