did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
