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I want to have your abortion
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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