i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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