I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
