Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
