a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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